Love with a tail

As our paths criss-cross and some are up while others down; there are many constants on this ride.

Ohh… the tightly gripped safety bar ~ it’s always there for me and demonstrative of faith.  Some days I do white-knuckle it, however.

I do find that I am 90% of the time positioned in the center, eagerly aware.  But, I see others off to one side with their feet propped up.  There’s even a few guys lowered in their carts, leaning to the left while they work on their laptops.

While I do notice many differences, I see one great thing in common.  Those of us with older children seem to have a special love on the side, a sweet doll-baby, a precious one – aka, a joyous canine companion.

While I have 4 dogs (down from 7 YIKES!) there really is just 3 and then – THE ONE.  My sweetie/love bug/princess of the universe, Bicki.

THE ONE, aka Bicki

Okay, technically she is a dog – I’ll give you that.  But this little one is so connected to me and understands every sigh, tear, and giggle.  She stares at me sometimes trying to make sure she has me figured out, and when she does she behaves accordingly.  She is such a companion, such a friend.  And – she loves my sense of humor and doesn’t mind one bit when I ask her all my questions while I’m trying to figure her out.

She races in from outside, barking and then jumping up in the air.  I’ve come to call the move a “marlin” as she wriggles at the peak of her jump.  But then she pauses, looks at me intently and then barks sharply.

I scrunch my face and look at her trying to figure out the issue. “What, did Timmy fall in the well?”  Bark, bark… “No… Timmy’s okay huh,” I say with a big smile.  She jumps in my arms and a few kisses later I learn that she was just excited and needed a hug.

No getting cavities here, well… maybe just one, she is really fricken sweet.  Do you have one of those?

I think it all starts when we’re kids with all the great TV, movie, and cartoon dogs.  Benji set the stage for me, I mean really – he even killed some mountain lion for his person, right? I don’t think it was the first Benji, but like one of the sequels.  Right or am I thinking of another show?

Although cartoons seem less “real” for obvious reasons, who didn’t want an Astro?  Or as he said it, “Rastro.”  Or lovable goofy Scooby doo?  Scooby dooby doo where are you… hmm hm hmm hmm.. I wonder if I can find the words to that?  hmm? Scooby Doo theme song! : ) Oh…yeah.

And who didn’t cry during Homeward Bound?  Chance and Shadow were AHHMAZING!  Okay, Cassie was all right. ; )  (I’m allergic.)

There’s Pongo, the dashingly handsome Dalmatian who turned into the best daddy a dog ever had right before our eyes.  Heck, I wanted my dad to be Pongo.  Alas, that’s another blog.

Favorite all time dog movie, Lady and The Tramp.  Oh how I loved when the dogs all sang in the pound.  And when she went after the big rat, saving the baby.  Awhhh, what a perfect little Lady.  And the other characters, Jock and Trusty.  Their voices – GREAT! OMG…and those cats, “We are Siamese if you please…” The Siamese Cats from Lady and The Tramp

And Saint Bernards… was Beethoven the most fun you’ve ever had watching a big ‘ole slobbery dog?  Beautifully spectacularly humongous and sweet. Famous Dogs and Beethoven

So, it’s no wonder that many adult adoptees have a special friend they can turn to; and they validate and accept us better than anyone can.   They can’t say, “But I feel that way sometimes and I’m not adopted, ” or with a tilted smile share their unsolicited, “But you’ve had a good life” condescending comment.  Bleh ! What they can do:  A kiss kiss, rub and a nudge, and then they lay across your lap – which says, “I love you, I get you, you’re perfect, and this moment is perfect!”

Who doesn’t want to be loved more than anything?  Sadly they don’t have human life spans and they weren’t meant to take the place of a person, but I can honestly say that having Bicki in my life has been a tremendous gift.  The love and compassion from this little creature warms my heart.

This time of year, this year – I’m thankful for my Bicki, she is pure love with a tail.


Bicki, my love with a tail

She doesn’t have odd squinty eyes, it was just really bright. FYI  ; )

May your holidays be filled with love!


Keep your chin to the sunshine

While this holiday portion is thrilling and filled with excitement for children, the rails of the ride in December sometimes quake unnerving-ly beneath us.  We’d like to think Ohh… Jingle Bells! Uhm NO, the shaking intensifies and it doesn’t stop and you feel it in your chest.  It’s not audible happy jingle-jangling associated with reindeer or the big man in red, it’s a general butterfly nervousness… x 100.  It’s anxiety on crack!  While it seems most hear joyous Christmas bells, we often don’t – oh we want to, but Christmas is a time of family and that can be hugely hard!  (That has to be another post for another day.) I’m going through hugely hard with my brother and his family right now.  (I deleted that at first, and then I realized none of them read what I write anyway, so it stays.)

This relationship will always be a work in progress, as it should.  I truly love my brother Bob.

Sister & Brother

Bob and I

Sometimes I need extra warmth in addition to M.A.S.H.  (That’s; Mike, Ash, Sue, Hayden. – collective core since 1989.) For me, this time of year it is necessary to lean on my “special family”.   I hold dear those special ones who understand adopted me and know where I am coming from.  They “get me” and that fact often makes it all a-okay.  It’s as if they lift your chin up to face the warm sunshine, giving you warmth and peace.  When mine is nearly stuck to my chest and I’m feelin’ low, a “special family” person lifts my face with ease by sharing her soft loving words.  She always takes the time to share her wisdom and reminds me; KEEP YOUR CHIN TO THE SUNSHINE! Yes Sondi, my chin is up… and you’ll never know how perfectly wonderful your words are to me.

My Christmas wish is to find a new roller coaster in 2011 where the majority of it is  SUNSHINE! You may say, life is just not that way.  But why not?  Or at least why can’t it be that way more often?  We each have control how we react to any situation, right?  We can decide who we surround our selves with.  We have the POWER.

I recently read a post where a guy said that “adoption crap” had ruined yet another relationship.  He and his girlfriend had broken up after many years together.   To that, I must share this:  “Adoption crap” can’t ruin anything, only you can make or break a relationship.  It’s how you choose to interact with loved ones, friends, co-workers, or strangers on the street that matters.  Yes, they can stab ya in the back, take the last cup of coffee, or steal your parking spot – but you are in control with how you react and how you conduct yourself the rest of the day.  If ya got adoption issues, work on ‘em – face them head on.  But this person only see’s the wreckage and then defines it – after the fact.

That’s just my perspective from where I sit, from where I’ve been, and from my view behind special glasses I own.  Sure we all have out of control moments, hopefully not out of control years.

Something to remember is this great quote:  A man is what he thinks about all day long.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was recently told that I make pain look pretty, and that made me stop and really think about what I write.  I felt like Pooh Bear sittin’ on a log, “Think, think, think.”  Well, I totally disagree because it infers that I’m not telling it like it is.  Or I’m dressing up “pain” to go out for a night on the town.  Or I am painting over it with words and passing it off as something else.

My example of pain would be when a loved one dies.  There’s no making that look pretty.  I am not a believer in, “Well… they had a long full life” or the one I hear all the time, “They aren’t suffering anymore.”  Those things are all about the other person, like my mom for instance.  She did have a long life and no, she isn’t suffering any more.  But that has nothing to do with me, here alive today without her.  I don’t have that one person I shared everything with.  She is in a good place, but what I have felt is painful. There is her loss and then there’s all her complexities that I learned about after she was gone.  To say there were things un-said states the obvious.  It was heartbreaking and I had to make massive adjustments just to breathe.  Now, it’s just sad, hard, and it has taken a long time but I do cry less.


My mom in Maui being goofy on a granola high.

Oh… wait – maybe that part was “pretty” to say, I cry less? I deal with it (and there’s many ways I do that) and then find a place for it and move on best I can.  Am I drawn back there, sure… but less and less often.  Maybe I make the journey look pretty?  I wouldn’t ever define a roller coaster as pretty, but that’s just me and I guess I haven’t seen EVERY coaster…so?

Possibly the issue is in defining pain (or pretty) right?  Well, I’m not gonna go there – it’s totally subjective.  So if you think I make your pain look pretty, maybe you need to have another look and realize that I’m not talking about your pain.  Or if one thinks I’m glossing over my pain, possibly consider that I don’t see it, feel it, or own it as “pain.”  I don’t know, and honestly it doesn’t matter – pain (pretty) is relative, isn’t it?  If you have glasses like mine, well then that changes things too – there’s an awful lot of pretty out there.

While I share my journey on this complex coaster I have chosen to put it out there for you to do what you want with it.  Love it, hate it, or something in between – ultimately I hope it encourages you to find your way  ~as healthy as possible~ on your coaster.  (And if you’re at all interested, journaling and/or blogging is a great way to share and to look back to see how far you’ve come.)

Safe travels this holiday season to everyone; especially my fellow adoptees, adoptive moms, first moms, and “special family.”  May your Christmas coaster glide to a soft spot on December 26th… Ahhh, and may you have many moments where you’re able to KEEP YOUR CHIN TO THE SUNSHINE!